The next time I saw Finn was ten years later in November 2019. One of Daniele’s friends had notified me that Finn was having Zeppo euthanized in several days. As I drove to Finn’s home, his words from my 2009 visit ran through my head. “Zeppo is the best thing that has ever happened to me, and the worst reason to get a dog.”
The minute I saw him, Zeppo’s panting quivering body and searching eyes left no doubt that Finn had made the right decision. At 15, Zeppo’s hips had given out. He could no longer drag himself down the four stairs to poop in the backyard. Like so many people working full-time for insufficient pay, Finn had to think twice before shelling out money for a vet visit. Some months he struggled to fork over the copay for his Insulin. I considered how our broken health care system was harming not only the humans but also affecting our beloved pets.
Once he knew the writing was on the wall, Finn raised money on GoFundMe for a veterinary consultation. When the vet confirmed what he already knew, Finn was devastated. He’d been crying ever since. Playing God to a pet is so often the inevitable price we pay for their love and companionship.
We talked about Daniele. “At least once or twice a week I think to myself, ‘I should call Daniele — if anybody could cheer me up it would be her.’ And I reach for my phone.” It had taken him a couple years to get over his guilt. Maybe if he had seen her that day… the thought that perseverates in the minds of anyone who loses a friend or loved one to suicide and/or overdose. Finn was nothing but loyal to members of his punk-rock tribe. As he’d said the night we met, “I’d take a bullet for my friends.”
Since our previous visit, he’d decided that Daniele had taken the pills at the last minute — an impulsive action that could have gone either way. I didn’t disagree with him. On the spectrum of intention to die, the impulsivity hypothesis is both reasonable and more humane for those of us who survive the loss.
I recalled the confidence he’d shared with me during the previous visit, “When I’m feeling bad, I remind myself that tomorrow is a different day.” I thought about Tony Bennett’s comment on Amy Winehouse’s passing, “You have to live long enough to learn how to live.” Daniele had needed more time to figure out the wisdom that has kept Finn in the game.
As I drove home, I worried about how Finn would take Zeppo’s loss. He’d shown me the screen shot on his phone of Daniele holding Zeppo, a constant reminder these past ten years of two beings who meant so very much to him. And I considered Zeppo’s apprehension that something terrible was going wrong that he couldn’t understand; a replay of the night Daniele died. But this time there was no action he could take to fix the problem.
You really capture the agony of “playing god.” I always comfort myself when I have to play that role by reminding myself that animals only know the moment and do not anticipate their death. That is why I always hold my pets as they are euthanized–even the horses. Zeppo did know the moment when he lost Daniele, though. That must have been searing–much more so than when he faced his own death.